October 9, 2009

FAQ

Filed under: — Screenhog @ 3:31 pm

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

If the chicken came first, the egg the chicken laid would not have been a fertilized egg (no mate),
so the chicken species would have died out. However, if the egg came first, there would
have been no chicken to sit on it, so the egg would have gotten cold and not hatched. Thus, the answer
must be that God created a chicken and a rooster, and let them figure it out.

If I make a funny face for a long enough period of time, will it stay that way?

Not unless it so happens that while making your funny face, you have a sudden heart
failure and go into shock, paralyzing all the muscles in your body.

Why is there always a missing sock when you take the laundry out of the dryer?

All of the socks in the world are connected in one big sock exchange. Some of the dryers are sock brokers,
others are sock holders, and they just trade socks all day through electrical outlets. An average
day might see Fruit-of-the-Loom socks go way up, while Hanes socks go down. However,
after years of doing this, most of the dryers are hooked to the sock market, and they start to get
greedy, so they have to keep stealing socks to increase the value of the socks they already have.

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

God is omnipresent. There’s ALWAYS someone there to hear it.

If there’s a town with two people in it, and one person prays for sun, while the other person
prays for rain, how does God answer their prayers?

Partly cloudy with a chance of showers.

Why is the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?

Actually, it’s not. And neither is “gullible”.

If Train A leaves New York for Paris at 60 mph, and Train B leaves Paris for New York at 85 mph,
what time will they meet up with one another?

You can’t go across the Atlantic Ocean by train, silly.

How much is that doggy in the window?

$54.78 plus tax (veterinary shots included). Oh, and for the record, the doggy is BEHIND the window. If he was IN the window,
he would have to have been really skinny.

If God is supposed to have created everything, did he create evil?

Nope. Evil is only an absence of good, in the same way cold is an absence of heat.

Why is it, when you’re trying to find something that you’ve lost,
it’s always in the last place you look?

Because you don’t keep looking for something after you’ve found it.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

That lives on Drury Lane? Yeah, he’s my second cousin.

If a Greenpeace activist sees an endangered animal eating an endangered plant,
what would he do about it?

Tranquilize the plant so that at least it wouldn’t feel any pain.

Why do banks leave their doors wide open, but then have their pens chained to the
desks?

Hey, pens don’t grow on trees either, you know. I’m pretty sure banks can’t actually press charges if you steal one of their pens.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Light bulbs don’t wear diapers.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

The common woodchuck is approximately 16-27 inches in length and has short powerful legs, giving
it impressive mobility, however, due to the range of motion a woodchuck’s front legs actually have,
even if it could chuck wood, it couldn’t chuck it very far, so the pile of wood it creates from the
chucking wouldn’t be very tall. Thus, in order for the woodchuck to chuck a substantial pile of wood,
it would have to keep moving to different places, which is likely a lot more work than any self-respecting
woodchuck would want to go through.

How much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

Um, well, I suppose that if it was trying to hog as much ground as possible, it would go underground and
then close off the entrance to the hole it made, meaning that its entire body was covering the maximum
amount of ground surface area.

How much screen would a screenhog hog if a screenhog could hog screen?

Well, pigs can’t sweat, so if a screenhog could hog screen, it would most likely choose to hog sunscreen (SPF 15 or higher).
Otherwise, if it stayed outside in the summertime to long, it would be screenbacon.

How much gold would a goldfish fish if a goldfish could fish gold?

Okay, now you’re just being silly.

Why does the grass look greener on the other side of the fence?

The neighbour has a septic tank.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don’t know if that is really enough information for me to answer the question. I mean, there’s
so many other questions that need to be considered as well. What kind of chicken is it? What road is
it crossing? Has the chicken crossed the road before, and if so, does the chicken have a
naturally exploratory nature? Is it being pursued or chased in any way? Is there something that makes
one side of the road more desirable than the other side? How close is the nearest KFC?

If the Pillsbury Doughboy ate a cookie, would that be considered cannibalism?

As far as I know, the Pillsbury Doughboy isn’t actually made out of cookie dough. He’s, like, 70
years old now… if he were made of real cookie dough, he’d be all moldy and gross.

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Irony?

If you’re travelling in a vehicle at the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?

It won’t be dark anymore.

If a cat always lands on it’s feet, and toast always lands butter side down, what happens when you tie a piece of
toast, butter-side up, to a cat’s back?

Correction. IF you tie a piece of toast to a cat’s back. Have you ever TRIED tying a piece of toast to a cat’s back?
If you’ve ever actually been successful in this little endeavor, take a picture for me, and I’ll answer the question. Better
yet, YOU answer the question, since you have your little science experiment right in front of you.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?

A Smurf is a drawing on a piece of paper. A choked Smurf will stay the same color… he’ll just be a lot more wrinkly.
Unless you’re choking Smurfette, in which case, she’ll still be wrinkly, but will apply some Oil of Olay afterwards
to remove any wrinkles she acquired.

Is the glass half empty, or half full?

Can’t it be, like, both?

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

I’m generally opposed to any and all alcoholic beverages, and I’m not too fond of the cold, so you couldn’t pay me to own
a bar in the Klondike.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

To keep thoughts of sanity from entering their brains.

Is a zebra a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?

When they’re very young, the black stripes are more of a brownish color, while the white stripes stay white their entire life.
I’d say they’re a white horse with black stripes. Of course, they COULD be a blue horse with white AND black stripes. Didja
ever think of that? Huh?

When a vulture dies, what circles around it to eat it?

Flies.

Why do 7-11’s have locks on the doors if they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Because the 7-11 corporation is a fine company that cares about their employees, and when the poor nightshift worker who
hasn’t had a customer in an hour and a half needs something to do, he can always fall back on that question to keep him
occupied.

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re staring at the carpet?

Nah. If my pet bird was that smart, he would have clipped the cat food coupons and bribed
the cat to unlock the cage for him.

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